Chaos Theory

(From last week...)

Where to begin? Really I haven't the faintest, but for starters I'm just gonna reel off some endless rabble about what's been plaguing my thoughts, toying with my emotions, and working mischief in my life. I don't know what this will accomplish, but I guess it's a start and for some reason it seems like maybe spewing what I can into words will hopefully get me somewhere.

I feel as though my mind's been scattered a million different directions for months now. There's not much in my life that I'd describe as "concrete", "stable", or "secure", but it's kinda been that way for years now, and even though I'm here now in New Zealand, somehow the second year in a row on what is arguably the dream trip of a lifetime for many folks, I'm not feeling terribly settled. The funny thing is that by all rights I have less worries now than I did here last year, but that void seems to have been filled with utter, sourceless mayhem. Trip planning, travelling, working, preparing, taxes, holidays, women, friends, future work, family, fishing, moving, money, skiing, music, relaxation, and tension are just a few of the fiendish imps that have been tearing me in a million different directions simultaneously. Maybe it's the character that that trip has seemed to acquire for itself. Maybe it's that I've been a bit cavalier or too nonchalant about everything. Or maybe it's just the weather, which is seemingly equally unsettled. I think that's a lot of it, I guess. Well, at least part anyway. Regardless, nothing seems for certain, at least not enough to grasp onto and even take for granted with what little consolation that might provide.

It's been rough. We've had a few good days on the water, days where the sun shines bright and the water's clear and the fish are out and active and we're in high spirits and having a ball just living the dream. But those days have been few, and I'd say far between but they seem to come in spurts. We haven't had a spell like that for quite some time now. Instead, it's windy, cloudy, sprinkling, misty, or downright pouring. It seems like since then the water's have been blown out, murky. So it goes. What rivers we have come across that seemed in decent are pounded by other fisherman making the fish are extra spooky or just plain glum with lockjaw. To date, I've landed one decent fish and one okay fish, and a handful of measly peaslys. And one chinook parr, on a size 16  BWO softhackle. I'll take it, cuz right now that's all I've got.

I think everyone's heard the line from that Sublime song, "summertime and the livin's easy...". I think that's part of it too. It's summer down here, technically speaking, but it hasn't been very summer-like at all, at least not consistently, and in turn the livin' hasn't felt very easy. I think I need more of those cloudless days, warm temps and abundant sunshine to aid my not-so-sunny disposition. And I think it would help the fish too, which would also help me. Maybe cuz it hasn't been too sunny they've been feeling glum and are not looking up for big, juicy bugs to float their way. February's here now, which is essentially our equivalent of August, so things should start looking up, metaphorically and literally speaking, so maybe I just need to be a little more patient? I hope so, but either way the interim's been wreaking havoc inside my head.

So... As far as looking up: I've got a music festival to jam out to on Saturday in Queenstown with some new friends. Fat Freddy's Drop is playing, which is one of my favorite Kiwi bands, and I am very excited to see them play. I've got an interview with the US Fish & Wildlife Service in Anchorage tomorrow for a job I've been wanting a long time now. It looks promising thus far. Immediately after that I have to call the USFWS office in Kenai about a few positions there I could go back to for the summer. I don't want to be hasty, but it unlikely I won't be going back to AK sometime come spring. Treats! And of course, I've got the better part of two months left here to chase some more of the tail I've been so desperately craving. And those two months are "August" and "September", which any half-decent fisherman knows to be some of the best dry fly fishing months the year has to offer. So we'll see what shapes up.